Adventures in Parenting 1.0

 Life with an almost 3 year old.

A little while back a good friend posted a link on facebook to blogger Jason Good’s hilarious 46 reasons my 3 year old might be freaking out.  Essentially, it is a side splitting list of all of the inane things that drive a toddler to the brink and over the edge into meltdown mode and as a parent of a nearly 3 year old I laughed until I cried. This type of list is not ‘new’ but, they seem to pop up at just the right time- like when your ‘lil one is pushing every button and you find yourself internalizing your own freak out and your brain is screaming- SERIOUSLY? What NOW? For crying out loud!?” …or something along those lines.

We are in full tilt whine, meltdown and, freak out mode here in the world of the Captain. So much so that, by lunchtime, there are many days that I wish Gypsies would appear at my door and kidnap me because anywhere has to be better than here…and I like to travel so, maybe being kidnapped by Gypsies wouldn’t necessarily be all that bad… and, I could trick out the campervan pretty sweetly on a scavenged dime too I am sure.

I digress. The gist is that I forwarded the list to my husband and laughingly said - I could come up with a few additions in a New York minute. Then…I thought… I should because at the very least maybe I will look back on this blog post one day when the Captain is all grown up and I will remember all of the seemingly silly little things that seemed so frustratingly funny at the time and it will bring a “oh, those were the days” tear to my eye, whimper, whimper, pray, pray.

 Things that freak out OUR three year old

(this will be a running list as these pop up - Please feel free to send me your own!) :

• ·      My sheets are wrinkled
• ·      ‘Woody’s’ hat is under the bed
• ·      The placemat is in the wrong spot at the kitchen table
• ·      The kitchen chairs are not where they should be
• ·      My green tractor (The one with the scoop, NOT the one with the trailer) is not in the box, it is next to it- ARGH!
• ·      I dribbled (milk, syrup, soup, sauce, etc.) on my shirt and even though you can’t see it I need a new shirt- NOW!
• ·      My brother drooled on my police car (in the bathtub)
• ·      I can’t peel my cheese stick
• ·      My butt is owwie
• ·      I have to get out of Jammies
• ·      I will ONLY wear Jammies
• ·      I want to sleep naked

No doubt more to come...

xo

Pinterest Rap

From a girl with no rhythm but a'lotta soul


So, because I have all of the time in the world (yeah, right) and because I have gotten little to zero sleep in the last few days (because of one not named young man who feels that it is his right and duty to get out of bed every 2 hours to let me know that his sheets are wrinkled or that his favorite monkey needs to be tucked back into bed)  I have been a little punchy. When I get punchy I get ridiculous. And when I get ridiculous my mind seems to go off on tangents - much like the start of this blog post already. 

So this last weekend, as I was feeding the kiddies breakfast, emptying the dishwasher and doing all of those things that happen before my husband even bats an eyelash to get out of bed I had this sort of creative epiphany - that I could make a rap song. 

Whoa...a RAP song? yep, you heard right. For those who know me I may be one of the whitest of the white girls. I have no rhythm, zero musical talent and am lucky if I can remember the words to 'wheels on the bus'. But, I started thinking about the FIAT Commercial that is the 'Mommy's Rap', and the countless other parent raps out there these days and I thought to myself..."self... you should do one about Pinterest".. because truth be told I am addicted to Pinterest and well, why not do a rap song about it right?

Here ya go... if you know the FIAT commercial you may be able to pick up something of a beat for this but, be warned it changes somewhere in the middle - because I have no idea what I am doing and, as I said- I've got no rhythm - so use your own creative license here. And, if I can ever get my act together to find someone to finish it for me and maybe make a video out of it maybe I can make it go viral, and appear on all of the News programs next to Honey Boo Boo. Although, I am sure there will be something lost in translation here as it is kind of hard to actually READ a rap and imagine how it would sound so, this experiment may be an epic fail.  

I’ve been staring at the monitor for 13 hours straight

While my kids play in a homemade tent – I know you wanna hate

I pin houses in the Hamptons that I know we can’t afford

            And I “liked” a pin of projects so my kids are never bored

I built a table from a dresser

            MAN, those toddler crafts sure are a stressor.

I’ve lost weight – “here’s how I did it”

            “Best plan out there” – please re-pin it!

I make paleo pancakes in the shape of five point stars and know 60 different ways

            to reuse my mason jars.

I’ve chalk painted all my cupboards though my kitchen isn’t worthy, and made all the household cleaners so my baseboards are never dirty

I can walk away my baby belly, clean my bathroom when its smelly, I removed that old tree stump, Man, I make Martha look like a chump.

Sure my kids may seem to suffer, but I’ll always have a buffer

‘cause I’m busy pinning recipes, and tips on how to prune my trees and best ways how to stretch my knees.

I can braid my hair in 12 ways though it seems to take up all my days, I’ll save up all my money cause I’ve learned to bake with honey, I use toothpaste to hang pictures and (have) seen a thousand quotes of scriptures.

If I make it to the bottom I start jumping and my heartbeat gets a thumping-

You cant mess with me each morning, if I’m online I give fair warning- I may ignore you when I’m scanning, and reject you when I’m planning.

I know Charlie Sheen says he is winning but don’t mess with me cause I’m Busy Pinning.

xo

Potty Train-Wreck

Because not every parenting task is a "win"


So, my first thought in sitting down to write about potty training our eldest (nearly 3 year old) son (Captain Chaos a.k.a. 'The Captain') is that anyone who tells you that you can successfully potty train your child in less than a week is either a LIAR or has some sort of toddler whispering wisdom and level of patience that is only found in the far reaches of some unknown parent universe that I didn't get an invite to. POTTY TRAINING STINKS. There, I've said it.

Call it a New Year's resolution if you will, but I decided that with the turn over of a new year I was going to suck it up and potty train the Captain. I would say 'finally' but considering he isn't even 3 yet I know that this is a bit ambitious and on the young side. None the less, I got a bee in my bonnet and set out to tackle this ultimate parenting task.

Here is a general recap until now:

• Lead up days 1-3 : I read almost every potty training website and advice blog and comment that I could on how to successfully do this. I was armed with super hero underpants, a fleet of matchbox cars ($1.00 a pop) that makes Jay Leno's collection of vehicles look like a drop in the bucket, dollar store containers of glow sticks, I printed out 3 different potty charts, got enough stickers to wallpaper the bathroom, M&M's to keep him on a sugar high, juice to entice him to drink enough liquid to keep him peeing enough to flood the Nile, and a Lightening McQueen potty seat that I thought would be perfect for the Captain. Preparations: CHECK, Done. I was R.E.A.D.Y.. We watched movies until our eyes popped out of our heads and I was singing potty related theme songs like 'Accidents Happen' (Elmo's Potty) and 'No More Diapers for Me' (Potty Power) in my sleep.  The Captain seemed ready, he seemed to get it, we talked about it, thought about it, got everything all lined up and prepped for day one.
• Official Start of potty training- Day 1: The Captain got up and we started right out of the gate in a world of potty training awesomeness. Going to the potty was cool, it was fun and despite the fact that our (at the time 9 month old ) would trot his chubby little rear end into the bathroom to open drawers and strip the bathroom closet of all of the extra toilet paper things went great. One big (you know what I mean) accident throughout the day but an otherwise awesome day. I can do this I thought- what was I worried about? I went to bed feeling pretty good about myself and thinking that this just MIGHT be some sort of redeeming act that might get me into the running for "Mother of the year'.
• Day 2: MAN, was I ready for an awesome day of potty incredibleness. I had read a lot that said that day 2 was often the messiest but you gotta be kidding me - yesterday this kid rocked the PANTS off of potty training- day 2 would be great too and maybe all of those people who said this could be done in 3 days were right after all...NOT SO MUCH. This was a full day riddled with accidents. Let me paint a picture for you- our little boy in his superman underpants somehow managed to (let's just say) "repaint" the living room cabinets in a pale yellow hue. To spot mark our white wall-to-wall carpet in various shades and consistencies of brown. Superman was only the first 10 minutes of the day... we also saw Batman, Buzz Lightyear, the Incredibles, Wall-E and I believe also the Green Lantern underpants. Our entire wardrobe of big boy-ness into the laundry in one day. Yep, day 2 was HORRID. He seemed O.K. on continuing to try every time I put him on the potty and wasn't adverse to the task ( I mean, there were a boatload of prizes involved that he could choose from so why wouldn't he be psyched?)  but poor kid had nothing left to give each time...because it all went into HIS UNDERPANTS! Needless to say, I went to bed frustrated, depressed and cursing every overachieving potty training parent on the inter-webs.
• Day 3: NEW DAY... New Awesomeness awaited.. Prizes still worked great, he ran around on a sugar high for most of the day and his matchbox cars count nearly tripled by lunch. Day 3 = WAY better. We were inching our way to big boy-dom with every trip to the potty- BRING IT ON. Accident count: 1 REALLY big one but hey, the rest of the day rocked.
• Days 4-10: Groundhog day(s)... lots of greatness in the world of peeing in the potty. ZERO greatness in the world of pooping- urgh.
• Days 10-14: Talking more about Number 2, figuring it out... still accidents here and there so I have sucked it up and reverted back to him wearing Pull Ups... enough was enough, I was getting REALLY tired of spot cleaning the carpet. Problem seems mostly to stem from mommy error here. In no way will he tell me he has to go - if I don't wrench this child from whatever task he is involved in, strip  him and get him on the throne - its accident time.
• Day 14- Day 30 (now): 75% there.. still only if I make him go - acknowledgement of the "feeling" is non existent still but we do have the majority of the day down as long as I stay on top of it.. can you tell how exhausting this is yet? I don't even want to write about it anymore.. I don't want to think about it or do it- I want this kid to "get it!" I know, I know.. that will come. I look forward to the day but, in the meantime we are still using the Pull Ups (because, lets be honest, I need to cut corners lest I wind up in the sanitarium). I admit that I have a tendency to space out and get lazy here and there thus resulting in an accident. So all in all, the length of time it takes is 100% relative to the involvement and dedication of the parent. I am actually sitting here writing this thinking 'I should be getting the Captain to the potty'. But, I am sitting here writing about this. It's selfish, but is also is a self preservation tactic (you will probably see that phrase a lot here at Witzend- SELF PRESERVATION...learn it, know it, live it).

.  .  .

We'll nail it... it may take 6 months but we will get there. And one day, maybe I will look back on the whole process and giggle and snicker at how lazy I was in some things and probably by the time when our current littlest ('Crazy Pants') is ready to learn I will be such a seasoned pro that it actually WILL take 3 days. (yeah, right).

Welcome (back)

So…new year, New Blog, new lease on life- and new adventures. This is the continuation of my old blog ‘HOLLERMAMA’ which, not only can I NOT remember the passwords to, is so out of date (on many levels) that I thought it prudent to take the opportunity to start anew.

What will you see here- that’s a loaded question- no doubt I will delve into the realm of quirky on-the-go adventures in parenting (note: I did not use the word 'skills' here), culinary triumphs and disasters, displays in crafty expeditions that will not always go as planned, DIY attempts to make a house a home and I am sure a few wild cards thrown in here and there just for the “free therapy” purposes that blogging helps with.

In the past I have truly stunk at keeping up with blogging. I mean TRULY so I am not going to say I will be regularly posting lest everyone be disappointed, but I will say that I am going to try. As a mom with 2 kids under 3 years old, and still moving into a new house, a husband who works a fair bit, and with me being an overachieving do-it-yerselfer I have no doubt that a few things will fall by the wayside.  Hopefully my quirky dry humor will make up for it in the long run.

True confessions to start this new adventure out right:

• My kids (almost 1 and almost 3 years old) redefine awesome but drive me up a wall so high that even Spiderman wouldn’t consider scaling it.
• My husband is tackling an obscene amount of work for one bacon winning bread making sole earner that at times you may see me get frustrated with
• I stink at potty training and making pita bread
• Cooking makes me happy
• I have become a Pinterest wh*re
• Its time to lose the baby belly and get my life in order
• I spend 1/3 of my day on my hands and knees spot cleaning the white wall to wall carpet that came with our new house – and it is not always with a smile.
• I still try and lay my head down when my kids nap (rarely works out well)
• I am juggling no less than 8 projects at a time
• I probably drink too much wine
• I should exercise more
• I spend my days on the roller coaster of emotion rolling back and forth between happiest ever and so mad and frustrated I could spit- and every day I hope I wake up on the upper side of that ride.
• I have a penchant for fabulous clothes but no longer buy them because…well… I have no where to wear them anymore (insert new years resolution #27 here). 
• I am on a mission to slash our budget and save money so I don't have to go back to work. (be prepared, I may have to start couponing). 
• I hate coupons (see just above) because I never remember them until it is after the expiration date and no one gives coupons for lettuce or dried beans, etc..
• I often dream in SPROUT (if you have kids you will probably know what network this is and laugh because you do the same). 
• I miss my friends but love them to pieces as I always know that they will be there whenever I get my act together to pick up the phone to actually touch base. 
• I use a toothbrush to clean my sink 
• I try and shower every other day but it really is more like every third day at this point.  

…all ‘cause “that’s how I roll”.

Welcome to paradise.